How Active Listening Can Benefit Your Relationships.

Every couple, at some times, have relationship strains. There is no getting away from that plain piece of truth. As we recognise that the ‘perfect couple’ doesn’t exist, we can relax and then try and enhance/make better/repair our relationship with our own partner.

A key to a good relationship is what is commonly known as ‘Active Listening”. Based on the concept that, “Communication is not complete until both parties, or both people, feel understood”, it correctly highlights the crucial factor of being understood.

What is not being said here, is that communication is over when both parties agree with each other. Most times this will not happen. No. We are saying that communication can be tremendously enhanced when both parties feel that the other understands them. Even if “agreeing to disagree” is the end product.

How is this ‘active listening’ achieved? It is done through each partner reflecting back to the other what they have heard being said – or what they have perceived the other to have said.

What is to be reflected back is the facts – and also the feelings – of what was said. After the original speaker has heard them reflected back by the listener, the speaker can then ‘tweak’ the response to make sure the listener really did grasp the feelings and facts (or emotions and content) of what was originally communicated by the speaker.

Bear in mind, at all times, that the purpose of this exercise is not to get the listener to agree with the speaker – they probably won’t! The purpose is to enable the speaker to feel understood. We all know that great feeling when we can say/feel, “At least somebody understands me!”

Let us take an example. Jim and Denise have a disagreement about the laundry. Denise: “I’m really frustrated and cross that you never undo your dirty socks but just peel them off and throw them into the laundry without unravelling them. Then I end up having to do it. I get very angry as I keep telling you and I feel upset that it makes no difference.”

Jim: “You’re saying that you’re really upset and angry with me for not unravelling my socks?” Denise: “That’s right. And also that I then end up having to do it.” Jim: “And that you get fed up because you then end up doing it if I don’t.” Denise: “Yes, that’s right. I do it in the end.”

In this example of active listening, the end result (which is what is desired) is that Denise feels understood. Jim may not agree with her (and may even selfishly forget to unravel his socks again) but Denise feels she has verbalized to him how she feels (appropriately) and has “got it off her chest”. She feels that Jim understands her.

And when active listening has been reciprocated by the other, a very good two-way means of communication is established. Both parties will then feel that they are understood. The premise of communication not being over until both parties feel understood has been satisfactorily achieved.

Please note here Denise’s use of “I” messages rather than a “You” accusation. She is recognising and accepting that ultimately, regardless of what Jim has done, she is the one who is angry, cross, frustrated and upset and she has to ‘own’ that. An “I” message recognises that we have be responsible for our emotions and actions, regardless if someone else has done anything to precipitate them.

And if Denise had just let rip at Jim with a “You” accusation, “You make me so upset because you never unravel your damn socks,” then he would, almost certainly, just get defensive. That wouldn’t be surprising – would any of us be different? Most likely he would just respond negatively and the argument would escalate.

Does all of this stuff about ‘active listening’ and “I” messages sound a load of theoretical claptrap? Then try it! Practice using ‘active listening’ with your partner by reflecting back to them the facts and feelings of what they are saying. it is not about being a parrot. It is about making sure that your partner feels understood because you have reflected back to them the content and emotions of what they are saying and feeling.

And if it all does go pear-shaped – and there is a full-scale argument – you can always use ‘active listening’ and “I” messages to recover. It is not too late to use them after the event – when tempers have cooled down. You can still recover some ground and make amends and let your partner feel understood.

So there it is. Try it. And then try it again. And you will see that it works. And some of the tension, frustration and anger will drain from the relationship. And when you have tried it with your partner, then try it on the the boss, or the kids, the next door neighbour, the in-laws – in fact try it on anyone whom you would like to improve your communication skills with!

David Woodward is an experienced counsellor for individuals and couples in Kettering, Northants.  To arrange for your FREE initial consultation, please Contact David.