What is it that makes commitment in a long-term relationship so important? We can ask this question as we look around us and see the flotsum and jetsum of so many broken relationships in today’s culture?

Many choose to separate and/or divorce from their partners and eventually go on to start new relationships and try and ‘recover’ from their previous ones. Is it worthwhile then pushing on and persevering with a relationship that is struggling? Is there really any point? Why not let it ‘die a death’ and then, at some appropriate time, seek happiness and fulfilment elsewhere?

Speaking as a marriage and couple counsellor, I am convinced of the central need for continuing commitment in a long-term relationship. Without this, many relationships are doomed to be wrecked on the rocks of ‘normal’ life - never mind about in the storms that a turbulent life can send our way.

There is an underlying stability and security in the permanent lifestyle produced when partners and spouses give a commitment to each other. It enhances the relationship and strengthens it with the ‘glue’ of permanence. By staying together the two halves continue to make one whole - rather than the torn remainders of two separate pieces.

The ‘can do’ mentality that arises when both partners know their other halves have ’stickability’ will help when problems arise - as they surely will - in any marriage or relationship. Knowing there is commitment - on both sides - to make it work when things are tough, will, by definition, produce resiliance, perseverance and strength.

The persevering mentality that things will go on despite difficulties, means that the success or failure of the relationship does not depend upon the vagaries of any emotional ‘roller-coaster’ that either partner may experience. They both know that, regardless of how they feel in their emotions at any particular given time, they are committed to the other partner and to the relationship and want to make it work.

This long-term, stable, continuous commitment to a relationship is an excellent role-model for children who can see at first hand the benefits to be gained. Family ideas and ethos’ are often ‘caught’ rather than ‘taught’ and this is particularly true in the parenting of families. Long-term commitment to a partner carries a seriously good message to the children of that relationship.

And commitment will protect children from the emotional damage that comes with the breakdown of marriages and partnerships. The rejection, guilt, anger, forlorness, etc. that comes on the children because of the breakdown in the adult relationship will not materialise. Instead, as mentioned earlier, they will see perseverance and steadfastness role-modelled and faithfulness maintained.

The self-images of the children will also be enhanced - consciously or sub-consciously - by the fact that the parents/adults stay together. This works on the basis that they will think along the lines of, “I am worthy to be stayed for,” as opposed to, “I am not worthy enough for the significant adults in my life to stay together on my behalf.”

Worse still, children can often think when an adult break-up comes, that they are to be blamed - that they are the cause of the breakdown in relationship. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant. The effect - and consequential damage - of a thought process that says, “I am the cause of the break-up,”is very detrimental to the long-term emotional health of a child.

And for the adults too there is a very positive effect on self-image that comes when one knows that the other partner is committed to them. The sense that, “I am worthy enough to be committed to/stayed with,” bolsters that individual’s self-image with a ‘knock-on’ effect into the relationship as a whole. It boosts the long-term love, security and acceptance of one partner for another.

Conversely, the negative effects of withdrawal, isolation and rejection will have a harmful and detrimental effect on the self-image of most individuals who experience separation and divorce. The failure of the relationship will produce a perception that the two participants will have ‘failed’ and are therefore ‘failures’ of one sort or another.

Commitment within a marriage or relationship will also protect from the dangers potentially within successive casual relationships that can come from casual sex and promiscuity. For example, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, broken hearts, etc. These are very real problems that affect and damage many.

Individual and family life are undoubtedly enhanced when individuals and couples choose to be committed to their partners - come what may. Obviously, there will be times when relationships fail, for a variety of reasons, but a sense of genuine commitment will hold many relationships together in the ’storms’ of life. The positive effect into society at large will no doubt be greater social cohesion - as opposed to social fragmentation.

Every couple, at some times, have relationship strains. There is no getting away from that plain piece of truth. As we recognise that the ‘perfect couple’ doesn’t exist, we can relax and then try and enhance/make better/repair our relationship with our own partner.

A key to a good relationship is what is commonly known as ‘Active Listening”. Based on the concept that, “Communication is not complete until both parties, or both people, feel understood”, it correctly highlights the crucial factor of being understood.

What is not being said here, is that communication is over when both parties agree with each other. Most times this will not happen. No. We are saying that communication can be tremendously enhanced when both parties feel that the other understands them. Even if “agreeing to disagree” is the end product.

How is this ‘active listening’ achieved? It is done through each partner reflecting back to the other what they have heard being said - or what they have perceived the other to have said.

What is to be reflected back is the facts - and also the feelings - of what was said. After the original speaker has heard them reflected back by the listener, the speaker can then ‘tweak’ the response to make sure the listener really did grasp the feelings and facts (or emotions and content) of what was originally communicated by the speaker.

Bear in mind, at all times, that the purpose of this exercise is not to get the listener to agree with the speaker - they probably won’t! The purpose is to enable the speaker to feel understood. We all know that great feeling when we can say/feel, “At least somebody understands me!”

Let us take an example. Jim and Denise have a disagreement about the laundry. Denise: “I’m really frustrated and cross that you never undo your dirty socks but just peel them off and throw them into the laundry without unravelling them. Then I end up having to do it. I get very angry as I keep telling you and I feel upset that it makes no difference.”

Jim: “You’re saying that you’re really upset and angry with me for not unravelling my socks?” Denise: “That’s right. And also that I then end up having to do it.” Jim: “And that you get fed up because you then end up doing it if I don’t.” Denise: “Yes, that’s right. I do it in the end.”

In this example of active listening, the end result (which is what is desired) is that Denise feels understood. Jim may not agree with her (and may even selfishly forget to unravel his socks again) but Denise feels she has verbalized to him how she feels (appropriately) and has “got it off her chest”. She feels that Jim understands her.

And when active listening has been reciprocated by the other, a very good two-way means of communication is established. Both parties will then feel that they are understood. The premise of communication not being over until both parties feel understood has been satisfactorily achieved.

Please note here Denise’s use of “I” messages rather than a “You” accusation. She is recognising and accepting that ultimately, regardless of what Jim has done, she is the one who is angry, cross, frustrated and upset and she has to ‘own’ that. An “I” message recognises that we have be responsible for our emotions and actions, regardless if someone else has done anything to precipitate them.

And if Denise had just let rip at Jim with a “You” accusation, “You make me so upset because you never unravel your damn socks,” then he would, almost certainly, just get defensive. That wouldn’t be surprising - would any of us be different? Most likely he would just respond negatively and the argument would escalate.

Does all of this stuff about ‘active listening’ and “I” messages sound a load of theoretical claptrap? Then try it! Practice using ‘active listening’ with your partner by reflecting back to them the facts and feelings of what they are saying. it is not about being a parrot. It is about making sure that your partner feels understood because you have reflected back to them the content and emotions of what they are saying and feeling.

And if it all does go pear-shaped - and there is a full-scale argument - you can always use ‘active listening’ and “I” messages to recover. It is not too late to use them after the event - when tempers have cooled down. You can still recover some ground and make amends and let your partner feel understood.

So there it is. Try it. And then try it again. And you will see that it works. And some of the tension, frustration and anger will drain from the relationship. And when you have tried it with your partner, then try it on the the boss, or the kids, the next door neighbour, the in-laws - in fact try it on anyone whom you would like to improve your communication skills with!

David Woodward is an experienced counsellor for individuals and couples in Kettering, Northants.  To arrange for your FREE initial consultation, please Contact David.

People behave according to certain principles that govern their moods as well as work principles.
There are needs of a man which are physiological like water, food, sleep, and some are psychological like security, affection, self esteem. These needs are arranged hierarchically by Moslow.

With increasing importance, the order is like physiological (food, shelter, water, sex), safety (freedom from danger), love (closeness to a friend), esteem (feeling of recognition), cognitive (learning and contributing knowledge), aesthetic (curiosity of inner workings of things), self-actualization (the state of well being), self-transcendence (level that emphasizes intuition, unity consciousness etc).

Everyone tries to move up in the hierarchy but gets hindered by forces which are not in their control. A leader has to help these people acquire necessary skills that will push them on the hierarchy permanently. Based on hierarchy of needs given by Moslow, Herzberg developed a list of factors which are termed as Herzberg’s hygiene and motivational factors.

The factors like working conditions, admin policies, salary, supervision, status, job security, co-workers, and personal life are termed as hygiene or dissatisfies. While the factors like recognition, achievement, advancement, growth, responsibility, and job challenges are called motivators or satisfiers. How human behavior at work and organizational life is affected by opposing perceptions is depicted in theory X and theory Y.

According to McGregor companies follow either of the theories. Theory X assumes it is role of the management to control and coerce people. This theory says that the people have intrinsic dislike for work and try to avoid it if possible. People should be directed and coerced to achieve the objectives. People in general have little ambition, avoid responsibility and hence should be dictated. This theory states that most people seek to give utmost priority to their own security.

Thanks for reading this post on Human Behavior & Leadership, if you would like to learn more about some other topics as leadership styles etc., please check our resource on A to Z Leadership Qualities Exercise eBook and MP3 Audio

What is it about unconditional love that appeals to the heart of every human being? Is it that love given unconditonally regardless of action, reason or motivating factors is so unattainable in most human relationships? Is it that to be given love for no purpose other than just love is so unusual when compared to the impurity of our own hearts and motives?

Or the emotions of almost every man, woman and child have a crying out need to be filled. Or perhaps to receive unconditional love is the deepest desire of every human heart?

However we reflect on it, we acknowledge that to receive love unconditionally is very rare for the vast majority of people in the world that we live in today. Some will not even be aware they need it. And yet most will consciously or unconsciously yearn for it.

And to be accepted? Don’t all of us desire just to be accepted for the real us - "warts and all". And yet predominantly we are categorized, valued, placed and accepted by what we have achieved, what we look like, what we do, etc. That acceptance is based on whether we ‘fit the bill’. The problem is that others decide what  criteria make up ‘the bill’.

Most times we can never achieve or attain this, but we can spend a lifetime, if we are not careful, struggling, performing, striving, chasing - but never quite getting there - our goal or endless quest to be accepted or approved. To meet the pre-conditions which other peoples’ worldviews or expectations have laid out for us.

The challenge can never be won. The game goes on and on. Like endlessly chasing our own tail. Coming close, but never quite getting there. Like a football game where we keep thinking we may be able to score the final goal, only to find extra play has been declared - and the goalposts have been moved anyway.

So, what happens? Is there even a solution? As recognised earlier, there is a fundamental element of the human condition that cries out to be accepted and loved. But more than that. To be accepted and loved WITHOUT PRE-CONDITIONS.

To be given this……Our hearts cry out for that deep, soaking, freely given acceptance and love. But - more importantly - for it to be given without conditions or attachments.

Where can we get this? Is there an answer to the deepest need of the human heart? Can another meet our heart’s deep cry? Can it happen? Or do we give up and acknowledge that this is unattainable - and cease our searchings?

It has been claimed by some that it is only in the person of Jesus Christ - and in his claims to be God come down to earth in human form - that we will ever find perfect love and acceptance. Given unconditionally. for ever. Many others would respond that this is nonsense, preposterous, misleading, blasphemous even…..

It cannot be denied, however, that this claim has caused contention, strife and even conflict in the last two thousand years. Whether WE believe it or not is a personal - even confidential - matter. But certainly, unless we attempt to answer questions of life, we will never get the answers.

 (David, is an experienced counsellor, and runs his own counselling service in Kettering.)

The majority of us would benefit by being helped with
difficult events in their lives. e.g:

- Do you feel under stress trying to cope with the demands
of modern day life ?

- Would you like somebody to help you cope emotionally with
a crisis ?

- Do you feel that you have been abandoned, and a sense of
loss ?

- Do you struggle to cope with anger and violence towards
yourself or others ?

- Do fear and anxiety hinder you in life, and make it more
difficult for you to achieve fulfillment and contentment ?

- Is there a problem in your life that is just too
complicated to solve by yourself ?

- Are you struggling to establish good communication in a
relationship ?

- Do you feel that you are in a downward cycle of
depression that you are unable to break free of ?

- Do you want to find alternative ways of handling your
behaviour, thoughts and emotions ?

- Would it help if someone just listened to you, empathised
with you, and tried to understand things from your point of
view ?

Many of us could answer “Yes” to at least some of the
above. There might even be other issues suggested by the
examples above that could be discussed and resolved.
Counselling can help to provide an objective, independant,
non-judgemental environment where important personal matters
can be discussed in confidence and in comfort.

Most genuine counsellors will be prepared to provide your
initial consultation for no charge, giving you the chance to
evaluate the potential benefits of counselling at no cost,
or with no commitment to continue on your part.

Why not take the first step towards a possible solution to
your problem(s), by getting in touch with a qualified,
experienced counsellor today ?

David Woodward is an experienced counsellor for individuals and couples in Kettering, Northants.  To arrange for your FREE initial consultation, please Contact David.